I believe that some of our desire to crossdress is due to natural curiosity. Perhaps we initially crossdressed the first time because of curiousity, but that event became a sexual experience at the same time, thus fusing the bond between ourselves and crossdressing for the rest of our lives to come. Then it became an addiction and destroyed many of our lives. But to start with, maybe some of the first desire for it was curiosity? Growing up in our culture with its many gender stereotypes and gender divisions, we often wonder what it is like for the other side. Boys wonder what it is like to be a girl and girls wonder what it is like to be a boy. They are curious about the others’ different bodies. They are curious about the different things they get to do, and the different things they get to wear.
Don’t allow yourself to get tempted as you read these statements that follow. Be on your guard. But let’s think this idea of curiosity through. We imagined as a child, or maybe even later as a youth or adult:
What does it feel like to walk around in high heels? Is it hard or easy? Is it fun?
What does lipstick feel like on my lips?
What does it feel like to have earrings dangling on my ears?
What does it feel like to wear a skirt in the summer? Does it feel cooler?
What does it feel like to have the wind blow up the bottom of a dress?
What does eye makeup feel like on my eyes?
What does it feel like to wear a satin nightie to bed all night?
What does it feel like to have my legs shaved?
And so on. Simply asking or reading these questions might be thrilling for some people. I think that there is a part of us which feels a sexual thrill just knowing we are trying to do something that only women do. Just knowing that we are satisfying our curiosity about mysterious femininity is sexually thrilling. Thus reading these questions can cause us to desire crossdressing, and crossdressing in order to answer these questions is arousing on a higher level than simply crossdressing out of habit. Each new question answered, each new experience had, allows the crossdresser to further give in to the delusion that he has connected with feminity, that he somehow has had more of the real female experience, that somehow he is now more of an insider in the female realm. Of course this is nonsense, but I think that is part of what is actually happening in our minds.
But the curiosity can take on a deeper level as well (which can be more disturbing and damaging in your life).
What does it feel like to go out to eat with my wife dressed as her girlfriend?
What does it feel like to have sex with my wife dressed as a woman?
What does it feel like to have men notice my looks and have their eyes drawn to me?
What does it feel like to have a man flirt with me and tell me I am pretty?
And maybe not as common, but at least some crossdressers wonder and have acted upon – What does it feel like to have sex with a man dressed as a woman?
In some ways curiosity is a neutral thing, and even a good thing. God created us to have a sense of wonder and curiosity, to enjoy exploring his world. We long to learn new things, and experience new things. Curiosity is a very important thing. But curiosity can also be negative. If we do something sinful or harmful out of curiosity, than it is wrong. Curiosity not a bad thing in itself, but it can lead you to rationalize crossdressing.
There are at least two problems with the connection between crossdressing and curiosity. First, calling this curiosity is often just a nicer sounding word for envy. We are desiring to have the experiences that do not properly belong to us but belong to females. We envy what they have. I have a whole post on this – Crossdressing is about envy.
Second, we use our curiosity to excuse our desire to crossdress. You pretend, you lie to yourself, saying that the real curiosity that you have is your main reason for crossdressing. Certainly the curiosity is a part of your desire, but it’s a curiosity probably shared by most men, and most men do not act on this curiosity. So maybe the curiosity is only 5% of the reason you want to crossdress, but you lie to yourself that it is 80% of the reason you want to crossdress. I know I did that so many times back in my crossdressing days. Even today, temptations sometimes come unexpectedly, and they can come in the form of me saying to myself, “but you are just curious, you should satisfy your curiosity about what that would be like.” It’s amazing how we delude ourselves isn’t it? How we can so convincing lie to ourselves? How many times do we have to wear high heels and still attribute our reason for doing so as curiosity? Of course, the real motivation was sexual thrills, excitement at doing something forbidden, and wanting to be someone who we are not.
We must stop using curiosity as an excuse to give in to crossdressing. We must stop making stupid rationalizations for ourselves. I’ve been there in the past, don’t repeat my mistakes. At times, I could think about my belief that crossdressing is sinful and displeasing to God, I could think about the danger of others seeing me crossdressed, I could think about how dirty and shameful crossdressing always made me feel afterward, I could think about how much of my crossdressing desires were based on jealousy, and yet I would let myself give in to crossdressing because of I said to myself that I had to satisfy my curiosity. All of those reasons not to crossdress didn’t matter, because I rationalized that since I was curious to know how a certain dress would feel on me, that it was okay. So so stupid and illogical.
A good lesson for you to remember is – “Curiosity killed the cat.” We must never again use curiosity as an excuse to do something that is displeasing to God, wrong and harmful.